Whiskey
by Kosaka
Summary: When Remus Lupin comes to teach at Hogwarts, Snape finds himself haunted by memories he thought were long since buried. He is sure they will lead to some form of humiliation, but as it happens, it might just be love. Severus/Remus slash.
1. Chapter 1: Ancient History

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters (obviously), nor am I making any money putting its characters through the slashy, emotional ringer (also obviously). There, I said it. Happy now?

A/N: I suppose you could say this story takes place around the time of the Prisoner of Azkaban, when Lupin is the teacher for Defense Against the Dark Arts, but...since I have neither read the book or watched the movie in a while...my timeline could be a little off. I THINK I'm right though. If I'm not, well, oops.

**Whiskey**

**Chapter 1: Ancient History**

Nightmares. There was nothing else to call them. Waking up in the middle of the night with goosebumps, cold sweats, and a dry throat. Severus paced, tried to shake the images, but it was futile--he knew the images racing through his mind added up to a memory, not a dream. Dreams weren't real.

Calming draughts no longer worked. He'd used them far too much lately and was building up an immunity, so he settled for the only comfort he had left and poured himself a portion of fire whiskey, which he forced down his throat in one large gulp before slamming the glass down and settling back against the mattress in hopes he might manage to fall asleep again before morning. He knew it didn't really matter either way--the memories were always with him these days, but if he could manage to get at least a bit of rest, perhaps it would help his frayed nerves.

He briefly entertained the thought of waking suddenly to find that the bitter reality he was faced with was in fact the dream, but knew he wasn't that lucky. His body was really betraying him, and there was only one possible cause.

_**Fourteen Years Earlier:**_

The floating candles were pretty, Severus Snape thought dimly. It must have been Lily's idea. An irreverent arsehole like James Potter, surely, wouldn't think of something so elegant. His gaze dimly followed them around the room. Sirius Black was, as usual, surrounded by women and flirting equally with all of the pretty ones. Bastard. If there was anyone he hated more than James, it would be Sirius. But James is the one who stole Lily, so he got to sit on the lofty altar of hatred. Severus wasn't a fool. He knew where his priorities were. The first was Lily. In order to keep what little shard of friendship they had left between them, he'd accepted the invitation to her wedding. Well, he supposed there was a small part of him that felt vindicated by the fact he knew James probably hated that he was there, but right now, dancing with Lily, he was sure that neither James nor Lily were giving him much thought. Which, evidently, left him keeping the bartender busy and watching the dancing lights.

"Mind if I join you?"

Severus startled. He wasn't usually so jumpy, but he'd lost track of how many drinks he'd had quite a while ago. "Oh, the third," he said blandly, downing the rest of his glass and slamming it down for another. His throat burned and his eyes were starting to blur. Right, the third member of the trio of idiots. Well, Lupin wasn't an idiot, but he was pretty sure he must still be a nuisance of he wouldn't be friends with the other two.

Remus sat beside him and told the bartender, "I'll have the same." His gaze shifted across the floor. Sirius was such a damned flirt. They were friends, but tonight was only a painful reminder that that's all they would ever be. He turned back to Severus. "So...nice party, huh?"

"What do you want, Lupin?" Snape spat, downing another fire whiskey.

Lupin gave him a sad smile. "I was hoping for some company, but apparently the feeling isn't mutual," he said, tilting the whiskey back.

Severus found himself staring as the werewolf's adam's apple bobbed when he swallowed. He blinked the blurriness from his vision and found it seemed sharper than usual as it traced the contours of Remus's jaw, the way he pursed his lips and wrinkled his brow as he put the glass down.

"...that tastes horrible," Lupin complained.

Severus found himself suddenly overcome by a short burst of laughter. It escaped before he could stop it. He shook his head and forced himself to regain a neutral expression. "After the second you hardly notice it."

Remus smiled at him. It was a strangely dazzling smile that could probably be blamed on the booze. "Well," he said, turning to the bartender, "give me a double, then. It would seem I have some catching up to do."

"Why are you here?" Snape blurted a few drinks later.

"Here at the wedding, or in the grander scheme?" Remus asked with a small chuckle. He was already starting to get a little tipsy, Snape could tell. He was glad he wasn't such a lightweight--except...somehow after a few drinks his vision blurred and his head started to feel heavy.

"Here at the bar," he slurred.

"I thought I was drowning my sorrows in some of the worst fire whiskey I've ever tasted."

"I'm sure Black would loan you one of his menagerie if you are looking for a distraction."

Remus's gaze trailed over to the gaggle of women Sirius had managed to accumulate and his gaze hardened. "Not to my tastes, thanks," he said, and Severus heard the bitterness in his tone. He watched the werewolf down another four fire whiskeys in quick succession.

"You and Black..."

"There is no me and Sirius," Remus answered blandly. "Hence the drowning of sorrows."

Snape didn't know what to say about that, so he settled for downing another whiskey. And then another after that. The more he drank the more it seemed that he and Lupin had quite a bit in common. They both wanted something they couldn't have. And the more he drank, strangely enough, the more attractive Remus Lupin became. If he really thought about it, the only thing he hated about Remus was his choice of friends. The fact that he also happened to be a werewolf--that was something he couldn't help. And there were potions that made it more bearable--he'd never tried to make one, but he'd read about them.

"Something on my face?" Remus asked when he realized Severus had been staring at him for quite some time. He blinked, finding himself entranced by a strand of hair that had fallen into Snape's eyes.

"Eyebrows," Snape answered even though it made no kind of logical sense. The fact that he wasn't passed out in a corner somewhere after all that booze made no logical sense either. "Eyes too. And a nose..."

Remus lost control of his right arm--at least he thought so. Suddenly it was reaching up and gently tucking that long hair behind his ear. He hadn't told it to do so, and he certainly didn't tell his thumb to start caressing Snape's jaw or his palm to rest on Snape's cheek.

"...lips..." Snape trailed off. Why was his pulse racing like this? He could barely seem to hear his own voice, but when Lupin spoke, it was like all the ambient noise in the room just disappeared.

"Do you...want to go somewhere?"

"Yes." The word came out of his mouth before Lupin's question ever really hit his brain. He just knew whatever he wanted, the answer was definitely 'yes'.

He put a handful of money on the counter, not even looking at it. He might have just given the bartender his life savings as a tip for all he knew, but as Remus took his hand and pulled him out of the ballroom it didn't seem to matter. The stumbled clumsily up the stairs and into the werewolf's hotel room exchanging sloppy kisses the entire way. It was nice, Snape thought, being kissed. He couldn't seem to get his mind on much other than kissing back or the heat that was rising in his groin. Remus was struggling clumsily with the fastenings of his robes.

"The other way," he rasped breathlessly, finding himself pawing blindly in kind.

"Right," Lupin gasped, finding Snape's fingers surprisingly nimble even with so much alcohol in his system. He shuddered as they came into contact with bare skin. They continued to fumble as they fell to the bed. Grasping. Moaning.

"Lupin, I've never..."

"It's fine," Remus answered as he straddled Snape's hips. "All you have to do is lay there. I'll do all the work. You still want to, right?"

Severus tried to clear his muddled thoughts, but it was hopeless. He'd had way too much to drink. "Do it," he rasped.

Overcome by the pleasure, Severus screamed.

_**Present Day:**_

Severus screamed. He sat up in a cold sweat and raked his fingers through his hair. His skin was clammy and his hands shook. His groin... he glanced at the clock and relented. He obviously wouldn't get any more sleep tonight and needed a cold shower. These dreams had to stop. It was going to be the death of him.

He never imagined that so many years later a drunken encounter would still haunt him this way. But then, he never imagined that Dumbledore would hire Remus Lupin to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts, either.

He stripped down and let the cold water soak through to the chill in his bones. Lupin--the years had not been kind. He was always a little scruffy, but now? His robes were tattered, his hair unkempt. There were dark circles under his eyes. And in spite of those things, Severus found he still wanted him. One night so many years ago...and yet, Snape's body still reacted to his presence. And then there were the dreams, which hadn't left him alone since Dumbledore had told him he would have to make a potion to keep Lupin ... _tame._

He had a feeling that losing his mind would probably feel rather similar to this.

He shivered as he turned off the faucet and wrapped a towel around his waist. Merlin, he was freezing. Pants. Robes. The days were getting cold and the dungeons were bitter. Cold showers weren't helping. And there was this annoying voice in the back of his mind that kept telling him that Remus had probably all but forgotten such a seemingly trivial thing.

...so why hadn't he? And for that matter, who the hell was knocking on his door at quarter to six in the morning?

"What?" he barked, swinging the door open. He regretted it instantly when he saw the man he'd just been obsessing over blinking back at him.

"Oh, good, you're up," Lupin said at last. "I was worried I might wake you."

Snape pulled the door open and nodded roughly inside. "What do you need, Lupin?"

"...I've been having trouble sleeping," he said, eyes wandering the room to purposefully.

_'You and me both,'_ Severus thought. "Bad dreams?" he asked.

"No," Remus answered. "That's not it, exactly. I suppose my mind has been a bit over-occupied."

"That's understandable, given current circumstances. Have you tried any calming potions?"

"Oh, it's not about that," Remus answered, but then shifted, as if he regretted saying so. He gave Severus a sheepish smile. "I didn't want to try anything without consulting you first, because of the other potion."

"A calming draught should be harmless enough," Severus answered. "I have some on hand. Give me a moment." Now Snape's mind was racing again. What could keep a person up at night when dementors and Black having escaped Azkaban couldn't? Well, Severus knew one thing, but he doubted Lupin was having the same troubles. He opened the drawer of his desk and pulled out a vial.

"You've quite a lot of it, don't you?"

Snape jumped a bit. Why did this man insist on moving in complete silence all the time? "...with the dementors on campus it is in high demand," he said. True, but that was the stock he made for the infirmary, and this was his own personal stock. Lupin didn't need to know that small detail. He turned and put the vial in Remus's outstretched hand, but when he tried to take the hand away, Remus grabbed it. "What?" Severus asked defensively.

"I'm not a fool, Severus. I know you've been avoiding me."

_'Crap.'_ "That's nonsense. _Some _of us are busy with working, while others are playing with strange creatures all day." Getting defensive should ward Lupin off the subject.

No such luck. "I also know you can hold a grudge better than any man I know. Is it still about the incident at the Shrieking Shack? You do know I didn't know about that, right?"

"Don't be ridiculous. We were children. How petty do you think I am?" he snapped. "Let go of me."

"I see. That's what I was afraid of, " Lupin said as if Snape had just confirmed a suspicion for him. "Then it's about the wedding. I took advantage of you." Really, it had worked both ways--Remus had been thinking of Sirius and Snape had been thinking of Lily, but technicalities didn't matter. "I am truly sorry for that. A person, I suppose, can't help but succumb to their own weaknesses from time to time."

"Do shut up, Remus," Severus sighed. "You're blowing things way out of proportion. We were young and incredibly drunk. Do you honestly think I'm still pathetic enough to be dwelling on something so trivial?" Snape chose to ignore the fact that, yes, he actually was that pathetic. It wasn't that his first time was a drunken, sloppy experience with a person who had no romantic inclinations towards him whatsoever. No, the bitter pill was that, in spite of everything, looking at Remus Lupin and how the passage of time had battered him, Severus still wanted to relive the experience (though perhaps sober this time) very badly. It wasn't love, surely, but the basic chemical reaction was there.

"Right," Lupin said as if Snape's answer disappointed him. He let go of the hand and took the potion. "Well then, thanks for this," he said, lifting the vial blandly before tucking it into his pocket as he turned for the door. He paused when his hand was mere centimeters from the knob and turned, as if caught by surprise.

Snape quirked a brow at him.

"You..."

"Me?" Severus asked impatiently.

"It's just, you've never called me Remus before."

Snape's dark eyes widened. "A slip of the tongue. Blame it on being disturbed before dawn. It won't happen again." He was relieved that his tone was just as biting as always and that he managed that reply after only the slightest delay.

But Lupin started to chuckle. "I've heard you're a brilliant occlumens, but seeing it first hand is rather a treat," he stated.

"You're more exhausted than I thought. What nonsense are you babbling about now?"

"Oh, I'm sure it's nothing," Remus answered, lips curling into a faint smirk. "Such high walls," he mused, rocking from heel to toe and back again. "...I imagine I'll need a bit of rope."

"Yes, well, try not to hang yourself with it." Snape honestly hadn't the faintest idea what they were talking about now, but he thought the quicker he grudgingly agreed, the sooner the conversation would end.

He was right, to a fashion. Lupin pulled him forward rather suddenly, wrapped an arm about his waist, and rather unceremoniously kissed him on the lips. Fillibuster Fireworks seemed to explode cacophonously inside of his brain and he found his own lips responding(much to his chagrin), his hands curling into the other man's tattered robes. And as soon as it started, it had ended. Remus stared at him for a long moment, and then left without a word.

Severus flopped onto his bed, demanding his pulse return to a normal pattern, and touched his lips gingerly. Damn him. _'I was wrong about him. He's more diabolical than his two idiot friends put together,' _ he thought.


	2. Chapter 2: Lust

**Chapter 2: Lust**

"Learn to knock," Severus sighed. The past three days, every time he turned around, Remus was there as if they were old friends who'd been joined at the hip since birth.

"Why?" Remus asked as he sat. His posture was too proper to match the subtle mischief in his gaze. "Are you doing something inappropriate in here that you don't want to be interrupted in the middle of? Because if so, I really think you ought to lock your door."

"Of course not!" Severus exclaimed against his will. Lupin had been socializing with Sirius Black far too long, surely, to even consider making such a suggestion. As if he would ever, _ever _pleasure himself in his office, _especially _when the door was unlocked!

Remus smiled. "Well then, I suppose the only thing I can possibly interrupt is Harry's third detention of the week, in which case I think I'd rather prefer that. He'll have no time to practice for Quidditch if you keep this up."

"Pity," Snape said flatly. The last thing he wanted to talk about was Harry Potter, golden boy.

Remus leaned back thoughtfully.

"What are you doing here, Remus?" Snape sighed exhaustively at last, and cursed himself for calling the werewolf by his first name again.

"Well, at the moment, I'm trying to think of a good potion to ask you about so as to engage you in conversation, but I'll admit, I'm running out of ideas on that front. Potions were never my specialty."

"Obviously. The study of potions requires an actual attention span."

"I've an attention span," Remus protested. "In case you haven't noticed, I've been paying rather a lot of attention _to you_."

"Yes, and about that..." Snape began, ready to persuade him to cease and desist with his most logical argument in his most sensible voice. At least, he was ready until Lupin interrupted him before he could.

"Don't you think it's about time to give in, Severus? We both know you want to shag me as much as I want you to shag me."

"What?! I... that... no such thing!"

Severus seemed to think that was a perfectly sensible sentence, but the way Remus was smirking at him told him that a few choice verbs and other miscellaneous descriptors hadn't quite made it from his brain to his mouth.

"Severus," Remus sighed softly, tilting his head. "We are both grown men. Surely this isn't something to be so embarrassed over. The way you talk to me and the way you look at me don't match."

"I assure you...!"

"No, let me finish," Lupin said firmly. "You may be determined to deny the night we spent together back then, but I have no such predisposition. I have nothing but fond memories of it."

"Probably because you only remember a fraction of it," Severus snapped.

"Yes, well," Remus chuckled. "We _were_ quite intoxicated. Though I believe you were a bit more than me. But back to the point, I still find you rather handsome." Snape opened his mouth to tell the werewolf he was being absolutely ridiculous, but the other man raised his hand again and somehow that silenced him. "Not to mention incredibly desirable. It is my belief that you feel the same for me. As such, I see no reason that we can't, as two consenting adults, enjoy one another's company again. The only thing holding us back is you, you know."

Remus leaned back. Snape opened his mouth immediately to come up with all of the logical arguments he had ready, but none of them seemed to hold water. It's not as if Remus Lupin was asking for his hand in marriage. He was simply asking that they--two men who found themselves inexplicably lusting for one another--go ahead and enjoy those lusts. It wasn't even a relationship, really. No one even had to know. "Alright. But no biting, obviously."

Severus smirked slightly to find his answer had surprised the werewolf. Remus had been prepared for more of a fight. "And I imagine it's to be our little secret as well?" he asked, leaning forward over the desk.

"Were you planning on waving your exploits around for all the school to see?"

"Well, I was considering it," Remus laughed softly. "But only for a moment, and only because I thought I would rather enjoy seeing the look on your face."

Snape found his pulse racing. Now that he'd committed himself to this, he felt rather nervous. He hadn't been completely inactive since the wedding, but he hadn't exactly had suitors lining up at the door either. He managed to keep his face impassive. It was worth the effort, because watching the other man try to read him was rather entertaining.

"Right then," Remus said at last, standing up. He'd been wondering if it would be imprudent to coax Snape into pounding him into the desk here and now, but couldn't see any signs of lust in the dark-haired man's expression. He couldn't really see any signs of anything in particular. _'Stubborn jerk.'_ So he thought perhaps it would be more prudent to retreat, and pray that later, perhaps tonight after dinner, Severus wouldn't have changed his mind.

But as he was reaching for the door he heard it click locked rather firmly and turned to find Snape standing only three feet behind him with his wand pointed at the exit. He tapped it gently against his hand. "Where do you think you're going, then? I believe it is customary to 'seal the deal' as they say."

Remus felt a ripple of pleasure run up his spine. Snape's posture and body language were confident, but the uncertainty in those dark eyes is what intoxicated him and forced the first stirrings of desire to race through his body. "You're quite right," Lupin answered. "Silly of me to forget something so important."

Later, neither would be able to discern who initiated the kiss. They were just devouring each other's mouths all of a sudden, trying to swallow tongues and taste tonsils with their bodies pressed together tightly and their hands fumbling madly with disagreeable robes. They were both stripped bare in record time, touching every piece of flesh they could get their hands on, and once joined, thrusting madly, as if the world might end if they didn't do a thorough job of it.

Afterwards, as Severus leaned over his misbegotten lover with his arms shakily bearing his weight as they both tried to breathe deeply and get some oxygen back into their lungs, Remus thought of how artfully he'd lied to Severus. He was in love with the potions master, but Severus would never accept that. It was far too illogical to see someone for the first time in over a decade after one drunken shag when you had a history of being enemies far more often than friends...and at seeing him just _know _that he's the one and probably always would be...that kind of thing is just silly. Snape would never let it pass as an adequate explanation. Remus knew that if he would get any part of this man in his life, it would have to be on his terms, and those terms, Remus had figured, started with no strings. Perhaps through enjoying his body, Severus would also grow to love the soul inside said body. And in the meanwhile, there was still the mind-blowing sex.

Severus finally flicked his wand to summon the chair, not able to work up the strength to move around the desk or get dressed. Remus sat up on the desk, equally as naked, and quite a bit rumpled. They stared at one another for a long time before Remus moved forward to sit in the dark-haired man's lap. He dragged his tongue along the shell of Severus's ear and caressed his body. "That was the best sex I've ever had," he said.

"I know," Snape answered, tilting his head to expose the area the werewolf was currently interested in more fully. "You said as much, multiple times. It's a good thing I cast silencing spell on the door or I believe the entire castle would have heard you."

Remus flushed a little, but only faltered in his attentions for an instant. His hand was already working its way further down Severus's body.

They shagged twice more. Both times were just as rough and wanton and loud as the first and Remus found himself completely able to move for a time. It was as if his spine had gone numb from their very pleasurable exertions. He panted softly. "That was incredible," he rasped when Snape finally got off of him. He tried to push himself off the desk, but the first time was a failure. The second he managed to roll over and sit up that way, and by then, Severus had already cleaned himself and was pulling on his outer robes. Naked cuddling was out of the question, then, or cuddling of any sort, probably. Too bad. But Remus knew what he'd signed up for and caught his pants when Snape tossed them his way. They dressed in silence, but before he left, he pulled Snape into a deep, intense kiss.

"Mmn. We'll do this again soon," he whispered against Severus's mouth.

Severus didn't answer--but his lack of reply was as good as consent. Once Remus left, he collapsed into his chair. What had he just gotten himself into? It involved, easily, the best sex he'd ever had, but was that all it involved? If it wasn't, then what did Remus expect from him?

...and if it did, then how long would it last before the thrill was gone and Lupin grew bored of him? How long did he, himself, want it to last? Indefinitely, and as often as Remus's gorgeous arse could endure it.

_'There's no need to over-analyze this,'_ he told himself. _'It's just two bodies slamming against one another to sate a physical need. It doesn't mean anything more than that.'_


	3. Chapter 3: The Waiting

**Chapter 3: The Waiting**

Over the next three and a half weeks, Remus would visit after curfew every night. Severus would cast a spell on the door to keep anyone outside from hearing them, no matter how loud they got--which, for the record, was pretty loud--and they'd undress recklessly, kissing every inch if skin they could get at before shagging half the night away.

One would think the experience would dull with time, but the only thing that changed was that Remus had become so accustomed to being claimed that he required only minimal preparation. In fact, it seemed to Severus that Lupin would become testy if he spent unnecessary time on it. Remus seemed to prefer getting onto the actual sex as quickly as possible.

Today, Severus lay awake listening to the werewolf breathe beside him. Lupin's head had fallen softly against his shoulder. He knew he should be sleeping. He had classes to teach tomorrow and he was working on about half his normal allotment of sleep as it was, (thanks to having more interesting things to do at night now) but he couldn't help but think of the subtle changes. The first week, they would shag madly and repeatedly, then get dressed almost immediately afterwards. Remus would kiss him hungrily, and leave right away. But somehow, half way through the second week he'd noticed that Remus would linger a while after they were obviously done. He'd just lay in the bed next to Severus staring at the ceiling with the most contented expression on his face as he recuperated. At first it was only a quarter of an hour or so, but by the beginning of the third week Severus found the amount of time was gradually growing longer and they'd started talking--having acutal _conversations_. First it had been Remus making small talk, but by the third day of this, Snape found himself starting the conversation because some inexplicable part of him wanted Remus to linger.

Yesterday, He'd woken up to find Remus still just as naked and asleep as he'd been the previous night. He instinctively knew that he would find Remus beside him again this morning. The werewolf slept soundly, barely moving but to breathe. He needed to think this through. If he didn't draw a line and let Remus get into the habit of sleeping with him after the sex, wouldn't that almost be like they were in an actual relationship? Was that really okay?

"Nngh. What are you thinking about so hard?"

Severus startled as the other man lifted his head blearily and rubbed his eyes. His shoulders tensed. "How long have you been awake?"

"Long enough to notice you haven't fallen asleep yet," Remus answered, managing to blink himself more or less awake and prop his head on his hands. "Knut for your thoughts?"

Severus smirked slightly, "My thoughts are worth at least a sickle," he quipped, and then Remus was kissing him again. He started to melt into it, but then remembered what he'd been thinking about and gently pushed Remus away. "What game are you playing at here, Lupin?"

"Sorry?" Remus asked, not sure what had come over the potions master. _'Has he figured me out? Does he know how much I've grown to care for him?'_

"This...staying the night thing," Snape answered. He couldn't put his thoughts more accurately into words than that without letting on that he might, possibly, have actual romantic feelings brewing in the pit of his stomach. He didn't want to admit they were there, but he could feel them festering.

"Okay, you've got me," Remus said, coming up with a cover story more quickly then he thought possible. "It's wishful thinking. See, if heard that sex first thing in the morning is absolutely incredible, and I'm rather curious."

"Lupin," Snape warned testily, and Remus knew instantly that idea of distracting Severus with more sex was out of the question. "Be serious."

"I don't want to be serious," Remus sulked.

"Tell me the real reason."

"You don't want the real reason," Remus answered, sitting up reluctantly. He knew this atmosphere. It meant it was time for him to leave while there was still a chance to keep what imitation of a relationship they had. "Where are my pants?"

But Severus surprised them both by grabbing Remus's wrist and pulling him back to the bed. "Don't be a pain," he said. "What am I to you?"

"Severus." He said the man's name as if he was begging him not to ask.

"You're not..." Snape said as if he'd never been more confused. "Are you in love with me?"

"...a little," Remus answered guiltily. "Does it matter?"

"Of course it matters!" Snape declared. No one had ever admitted to loving him before, and until this very moment he was sure there was no room in his heart for anyone but Lily. Now he wasn't so sure. He couldn't get his mind around it at this hour.

"So. What if it does?" Remus asked.

"...I don't know," Severus admitted. "But I think at the very least it means you've earned the right to stay the night. Lay back down so I can get some sleep."

"Severus..." Remus said the name again, heartened by the fact he wasn't being kicked out.

"Sleep," Severus said grumpily, flopping back against the pillows. "I need to be up in two and a half hours. I can't think about this right now."

Remus smiled and laid back down against the mattress, burrowing into the pillow. He thought it would be nice to cuddle with the dark-haired man, but didn't dare push his luck. "Sweet dreams, Sev."

"Yes well, one can only hope," Severus answered, not even noticing the nickname that had rolled from the werewolf's tongue. Was there something more than lust between them? Well, yes, that much had been obvious from the start, but what it was he honestly had no idea. Not yet, but he would figure it out, and quickly. He swore to himself as he let his eyes drift closed that he would give Remus a definitive answer, and that he wouldn't make him wait too long. He knew what that was like, after all--the waiting.


	4. Chapter 4: Full Moon

**Chapter 4: Full Moon**

"You don't have to stay," Remus said, handing the empty beaker back to the potions master.

"I do," Severus answered. "For myself."

"Severus."

"No. I've been afraid of your other form for a long time, Remus. Too long. Ever since..." He nearly cringed at the memory of Sirius's practical joke. "...but that's the past. If I'm to put it behind me, then I need to see it for myself. Or are you questioning my talent at potions after all? If I've done it correctly, you'll be just as docile as you always are."

"I'm docile, am I?" Remus smirked.

"More or less. When you're not screaming out my name in passion, at least," Snape replied blandly. Lupin laughed. He loved the way that Severus could crack a joke without changing his facial expression or tone of voice at all.

It had been four days since Remus's confession. The first night after had been awkward--neither knew if they should proceed as usual, but in the end they'd agreed that there was no reason to stop something they both enjoyed, and every night since they'd enjoyed one another quite thoroughly--every morning, too.

But tonight, well, tonight was the full moon. Remus had taken his potion, and now they entered the Shrieking Shack for what would no doubt turn out to be a very long night. Severus found himself waiting for Remus to transform as if the world was about to end. He hadn't told the werewolf everything he was thinking. He didn't know if he could love someone who turned into something so terrifying. He knew it wasn't Remus's fault that he was a werewolf, but the condition was still present. You can never really let something into your heart if on some basic level it terrifies you. What he was testing tonight wasn't Remus's transformation, but his own reaction to it.

"It's...starting," Remus grit out, feeling his body begin to ache and move. His bones warped, jaws opened, his teeth grew and his fingers stretched and his spine bent over like he had a hunch. And of course, there was also the fur. Once the agony of his transformation ended, he slouched onto a blanket in the corner. He could feel the base instincts--hunt. kill. devour.--in the back of his mind, but his own mind was more prominent. Severus really was uniquely brilliant on the subject of potions. But he felt embarrassed, too. Truth be told, he'd done everything in his power to convince the man out of staying not out of fear, but because he didn't want Snape to see him this way. The bond between them was fragile, for one thing, and if that wasn't enough he was ashamed of this form. It was hard being alone during the full moon, but it was harder _not_ being alone.

Severus watched the transformation in horror, but it wasn't the horror he'd been expecting. Rather than fear, he became consumed by the fact that Remus was suffering and there was nothing he could do to help him. Nothing. He'd never felt so useless in his life. He often considered his own troubles without giving the troubles of others much thought. He was aware of this, but figured if they didn't care about his problems, then he didn't see why he had to worry about theirs. At least, he often thought that while working to protect them--like that irritating and intensely reckless Potter boy. But all of a sudden there was Remus Lupin huddled up in a furry little ball in the corner (well, okay, not so little), and there was nothing he could say to make it better, no potion that could truly _fix it, _and knowing that there was nothing he could say or do ached as if someone was performing a cruciatus curse on his chest. That's when he realized he was already in love with the man. He probably had been since Remus had first propositioned him. No, before that. There were those dreams. Remus had appeared back into his life so suddenly that the shock hadn't let him come to terms with what was in his heart. But knowing that and saying it were two different things.

"...is there anything I can do?" he asked after what he was sure must have been several hours.

Remus pretended to be asleep. They both knew he was faking it, and the rest of the night was silent and awkward. At some point, Snape had fallen into a fitful slumber sitting up in a chair with a blanket around his shoulders. When the dawn light filtered in, he woke to find that Remus was asleep as well--naked, human-shaped, and curled into a ball on the floor.

Severus yawned, rose, and wrapped the blanket around the other man, brushed the hair from his eyes. Remus startled awake, sat up with his eyes darting as if he was afraid of something.

"It's alright," Severus said as gently as he could manage, which he feared wasn't nearly gentle enough. "It's only me."

Remus's scatter-shocked eyes locked on his and the raw pain Severus saw made him pull the man against him.

"You stayed," Remus whispered.

"Of course I stayed. Merlin, you're freezing."

"Your hands are cold too," Remus answered, unable to resist dropping his head onto Snape's shoulder as the other man took the blanket again and wrapped it around his shoulders.

Snape didn't answer. Instead he said, "I never realized how painful it is for you."

"I would prefer that you put it out of your mind," Remus replied.

"You know I can't."

"It still bothers you," Remus said, disheartened.

"Yes," Severus answered honestly. "But not for the reasons you think." He hesitated. Part of him wanted to share his inner feelings with this person he cared for more deeply than he could have imagined, but another part was so used to keeping secrets it was difficult to speak. "...I expected to feel the same fear I did on that night, when I realized that Sirius's prank almost killed me. I expected to feel my bones turn to ice. But that isn't what I felt when I watched you transform. It...upset me that you were suffering and I could do nothing to help you. There was nothing I could do to ease your pain. I've never felt that way before. Never. You know that I loved Lily deeply and that I would do anything to protect her and keep her from suffering--I failed in that, true, in spite of all efforts to the contrary--but until the end, Lily was happy. She wasn't in pain. The only times she was hurt were the times I said things recklessly and made her angry. It's different with you. You've suffered. You still suffer."

Remus felt his heart burst and ache. "Severus. I'm hardly the only person who has ever endured a little pain. You..."

"This isn't about me," Severus interrupted.

"Yes, Severus, it is," Remus sighed, pressing his palm to the other man's heart. Deep down, he thought, Severus was probably still an awkward, lonely boy out of touch with his own feelings. People change, true, but only in small increments and subtle shifts. Their basic nature remains the same. He watched Severus's dark eyes for a few long moments and wondered how he'd ever found the man's expressions devoid of emotion--everything was there, if you stopped long enough to look for it. "Who did you think it was about, silly man?" he continued at last. "Me? I already know what I feel."

Snape's gaze hardened. "Don't patronize me, Lupin."

"I'm not patronizing," Lupin sighed. "I'm _reminding_. Merlin, you're still so defensive."

"Well, you're still too glib," Severus answered testily.

Remus noted though that he was still being held close though, in spite of the complaint. He smirked faintly. "Severus." He said the man's name patiently as if he felt he'd better humor him.

"I love you." Severus was as surprised he'd said it as Remus seemed to be at hearing it. The words just suddenly leaped from his throat before his brain could stop them from embarrassing him. Maybe it was just that he was getting too old to hold everything in. Maybe his subconscious just knew he couldn't endure loving someone the way he'd loved Lily all over again--from a distance, never saying anything. Or maybe he was just a little braver than he realized.

"Really?" Remus asked once he remembered to breathe.

"Yeah well, maybe...a little." Severus's lips curled downward, his tone sulky as if he was already wishing he could take it back.

Remus leaned up and kissed him deeply. "Or maybe a lot?" he murmured against Snape's lips.

"...maybe," Severus answered. It was the furthest his pride would allow him to sink and they both knew it.

Remus pulled him down to the floor so that he was laying against him, hips between the werewolf's pale thighs, and kissed him deeply again. It was a softer, more lingering kiss than the ones they'd shared in the throes of passion before, but Severus wasn't a fool. "Is sex all you think about?" he sighed as if exasperated, but it was all just posturing--they both knew he wanted to make love to Remus just as much as the naked man beneath him wanted it.

Remus smirked playfully. "If it is, you only have yourself to blame," he answered. "Besides, it's Saturday morning, and we're in the Shrieking Shack. I think that means you have an entire weekend to show me how much--or how little--you love me, inside and out."

"Pervert," Snape replied, but his voice was muffled by the love bites he was already laying along Remus's throat. He didn't know how Remus did it--but the slightest lewd comment issued from the man's soft lips made him feel like a lascivious teenager. He'd thought himself more or less controlled when he was younger (though he'd thought about sex as much as the next teenage boy) but now it was like he could barely get through the day without it.

Time lost all meaning as they writhed and moaned together. Severus had no idea how many times they'd made love, but he had a feeling that he'd need both hands to count it out. The only clue he had to how long they'd been going at it was the quality of light filtering over their naked, sweaty bodies as they lay panting together in the afterglow. The sun was low in the sky. Evening then, which meant they'd been at it all day.

Remus curled against his love's shoulder contently. The sex was great before Severus had said those three small words, but now... Now it was as if the flood gates had opened up at the dark haired sex god he'd somehow fallen for was trying to pour every emotion he'd ever had into him via whichever orifice Remus saw fit to offer at the time. "The muggles have a word for this, don't they?" he mused, tracing patterns idly across Snape's pale chest.

"For what? Two men having intercourse?" Severus asked.

"No, for people who become addicted to sex."

"Ah, yes, I believe they call it a 'nymphomaniac'."

Remus chuckled. "So we're nymphs then?" He seemed to find the mental image of the two of them running gaily about the forest intensely entertaining.

"Fool," Severus chided. "We are no such thing. It is my understanding that such a word applies to someone who is morally loose and will engage in such activities with anyone."

"Ah, well, then I suppose it isn't appropriate. It's only _you_ that I'm interested in."

The feeling was mutual, but Severus had made enough sappy confessions for a month or so and didn't answer right away. "I think perhaps it is only my intimate regions you love."

"Completely incorrect," Remus declared happily, giving his lover's chest a playful poke. It wasn't often one got to tell Severus Snape he was wrong after all. "Though, I'll admit I am rather fond of that particular part of your anatomy," he quipped.

"Yes, I'd rather noticed," Snape answered flatly as Remus rolled to lay against his chest, pulling the blanket up over their sex-spoiled bodies from where it had landed tangled about their ankles.

"Yes, well, then we're in agreement that I find you anatomically pleasing, but there's much more to love."

"I don't believe you," Severus blanketed. His tone seemed daring, as if he was insisting that Remus prove it.

"You want to know when I realized that I love you?" Remus asked. He continued before Snape could answer. "It was the way you make tea," he lied. It was just a fib, really--watching Severus make tea after shagging had confirmed for Remus what he'd already suspected--that his affection was already hopeless and irreversible. That was when he'd gone from garden-variety love to all out struck-by-cupid love.

"What?" Severus asked as if Remus had just said something completely ridiculous.

"Well, you know, you always make that replenishing tea once we've finished. One day I was laying there and I realized when you got the cups out that you always take down the one on the left first, turn it on the saucer one full rotation, and then take down the right and do the same. You always steep it precisely, and stir each the exact same number of times--nine and a half. And I realized that you add exactly three drops of honey to mine to make it less bitter. Every time. You do that even though I never told you I prefer my tea a bit sweet." He kissed Snape softly. "And I realized that all this time, I'd been watching you so carefully that I'd even counted how many times you stir a cup of tea without having ever realized I'd done it. I realized there were other things too--you always start combing your hair with your fingers at the front right side--your right, not mine--before you grab the comb, and when you pull out a quill you stroke the spine with your left thumb. There were all these little things I'd noticed about you when I thought we were just enjoying one another's bodies. That's how I knew I loved you."

"Because you'd watched me stir tea," Severus blanketed flatly.

"Because I realized how much I would miss watching you stir tea if we were to go our separate ways. Because watching you stir tea somehow had become so much more relevant than how amazing you make me feel in bed. It's not so different for you, you know," Remus pointed out. "_You_ realized you fear _for_ me, more than you fear _me_. It's actually not that dissimilar. I would miss _you_ more than I'd miss sex_ with_ you. ...of course, I don't deny I'd miss the latter quite a bit," he commented idly.

"Remus, be silent," Severus sighed. "If you must have your mouth in constant motion, then make some other use of it." He was sure the man was purposely trying to embarrass him. _'And yet, this is the person I've fallen for,'_ he thought. _'For better or worse.' _"Ahn! Remus!" Severus gasped and arched. Lost in thought, he hadn't realized right away that his lover had disappeared under the blankets.

"What?" Remus asked, poking his head up from beneath the covers. "You said to make better use of my mouth. We've got no food and no whiskey. What did you expect I would do?"

Severus pulled him up into a kiss. He knew eventually the lust would dim, the carnal pleasure between them would begin to fade into long conversations and cuddling--and he knew when that happened they would have to figure out exactly what being in love with one another really meant beyond the immediate desire to consume one another so completely that they were no longer two separate people--but until then, he decided, there was no reason not to enjoy himself.

He let his fingers gently trail over Remus's gaunt cheek. "I love you, Remus," he said softly, willing himself to get used to the way the words felt on his tongue.

Remus put his hand over Snape's and curled his cheek into the touch. "And I you, Severus. All of you. Right down to..."

"...the way I stir tea, yes, you've already said as much."

"I know. I was going to say 'right down to your sarcastic, bitter remarks' but you didn't let me finish."

"Why don't you try finishing one thing before starting another," Snape replied, eyes smirking a bit.

"Oh, that's right, I nearly forgot," Remus grinned. "You wanted me to do something more productive with my tongue than talking."

He disappeared beneath the blankets again.

...and the Shrieking Shack drowned out their cries of ecstasy and confessions of love well into the night.

**~The End~**


End file.
